Being an only Daughter and the oldest sibling sometimes I felt that I was meant to be sensible, a good girl and just like mum.....but I do not think that I ever reached what I thought was expected of me! In hindsight we all take in mixed messages as children and the problem was I was not like my mum and my little brother was the sensible one,bless him. I remember mum being there for me always as a child,could be quite strict but I think in hindsight sometimes I needed it. We battled through my Teenage years as daughters do with their mothers, argueing, needing different things from each other but not realy communicating very well, I remember loving her so much but disliking her as well...she told me later that she thought the same things. When I was 29 and mum 49 and she had been diognosed with breast Cancer,it was a wake up call for me,realising that this person who was always around might not always be so. When I was 20 and had my first miscarriage,around about then our relationship was more "grown up" and we started to enjoy each others company more, she started to become my friend as well as my mum. She helped me so much in being a mum,but still I always wondered why I was not like her and did I come up to what I thought was her expectations? So when she found that dreaded lump..I grew up... I went with her to all the appointments and prayed with all my heart that she would survive it. I remember sitting In BHS one day, as we did at least once a week whilst shopping...the girls at school, I just started to cry to her that I couldnt loose her,I felt ashamed as she was the one going through it, but she just looked at me and said that she was not going anyway and that she knew she would not die,she gave me comfort! she allowed me to cry and say what I wanted, I knew even more then how lucky I was to have her. As children me and my brother clashed as brother and sister do,he and I being so differnt and he being 5 years younger, but when mum was ill it made me feel realy lucky to have a brother,he like me adored her, and she did him..of course she did he was her baby. We all felt alated when she got the all clear,it had not spread and she needed some Radiotherapy and be put on Temoxifan and then all looked good,the lump was out and we all felt that life had blessed us. The fear never realy left me that it might come back but every yearly check up it got a bit easier. We grew together,we laughed till we cried,something we did have in common was how we laughed,we would cry with laughter until we both had to hold our tummy's. No one made me laugh like you did mum,and I don't think I have done fully since you have gone. We did most things together or with the girls, concerts,cinima,shopping,we talked for England. Then I strted to train as a Counsilor and you were very proud,you told me so. Whilst in the training a lot of things came up for me, we both know what they are,we talked things through, you listerned and did not judge,we both thought that in the past we mis understood each other and we both said our sorrys,not that there was anything bad just niggling things that from a childs point of view was distorted in my memories...mother and daughters love so deeply but in order to separate go about it in the strangest ways. Secrets shared,time given,long phone calls, laughter and joy getting us through the worrying times with,children husbands,divorce and hardships. Going swimming together,Christmas shopping,clothes shopping, food shopping that would make dad furious with us cause we took so long,kids school concerts,parties, I loved sharing my life with my mum. Being a young mum made it easy for her to talk to,there was nothing that I couldnt say and she told me her stories,her worries and her deepest secrets, how lucky we were. Then at 57 it was back, the shock, she had not felt well but none of was prepared for the diognosis,myself and my brother held hands as the Doctor in the Emergency Dept told mum that they had seen a mass in her brain,my dear dad just stood there,time stood still..it was like a brick had just been thrown at my stomach. "I wont survive this one " said mum, inside I screamed at her to not say that...not that. No chemo as it wont work,no operation as too deep,it was terminal.